The Questions We Answer, Whether We Want to or Not!

This work is done by Pam Levin. Source : Family Issues Volume 11, Number 2, 2003,, 1865 The University Of Maine Cooperative Extension. (And I took it from a presentation shared by my teachers in my Transactional Analysis training.)

Our children (and therefore, all of us) grow up asking certain developmental questions that shed light on our behaviour. I would love to go into details of these soon and I will.

Go through the stage that your child belongs and correlate the question with his/her behaviour. You will find that all the difficult (or not so difficult) of your child stems from this the effort of your child to answer these questions encoded by nature.

Especially, look at Age 18 months to 36 months and 3 to 6 years. These two stages in our child's life prove the most energy-consuming for us as parents. See that their limit pushing is not their fault - it's nature's mandate to them. If your child is behaving, in any manner, according to these stages - it is nothing but a cause of a massive celebration.

Here are the stages. I shall discuss them in details later. These questions have always helped me understand, really understand, my or any child's behaviour. And as a result, I don't have to remember to be kind and gentle - I become, automatically, kind and gentle.


Stage 1: Becoming - Conception to Birth

The child is seeking: Is it safe for me to fully develop and be born?


Stage 2: Being - 0 to 6 months of age

The child is seeking: Is it okay for me to be here, to make my needs known and to be cared for?


Stage 3: Doing - 6 to 18 months

The child is seeking: Is it okay for me to explore my surroundings?


Stage 4: Thinking - 18 to 36 months

The child is seeking: Is it okay for me to learn to think for myself?


Stage 5: Identity - 3 to 6 years

The child is seeking: Is it okay for me to be who I am, with my unique abilities? Is it okay for me to find out who others are and learn the consequences of my behavior?


Stage 6: Skillfulness - 6 to 12 years

The child is seeking: How do I build an internal structure that supports me, as well as others? How do I develop the competence to master the technical and social skills I need to manage my own life and to live in my culture?


Stage 7: Regeneration - 12 to 19 years

The child is seeking: How can I become a separate person with my own values and still be okay?  Is it okay for me to be independent, to honor my sexuality and to be responsible?

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